You’re being moulded

From the day you depart your mother’s womb, they’re trying to mould you.

Buy this pink medicine for the unbearable cries, the little warmer than normal skin, the babe that doesn’t sleep. Fill them up with it, watch them calm, quiet their temper, their angst. Now wipe them with this wipe, that cream, wash them with this stuff, not that stuff, definitely use this one. So now that they’re calm, now that they’re clean, entertain them with this, we’ve spent thousands researching this one, now give us your money so that we can’t say we’ve wasted ours. You need this for their development, not that one, but this one – it’s means-tested, now test it and see what we mean – they’ll develop in no time at all. Now when they get hungry, breast is best, but take a look at this formula – it’s best for baby but best for our pockets too – it contains iron and calcium and oh, chemicals? But of course – only the best, the best for your babe. Forty pounds a month on formula? But never forget that breast is best. We’ll be here when you stop, don’t you worry about that. So, they’re eating now? Well studies show that baby-led is successful, it’s a journey, it’s fun and recommended. But make sure you buy this jar – not that old one, but this new one. Yes, the smooth one, the handy for when you’re out-and-about one – never mind if you’re in a baby-led-routine: you’ll never know if baby has eaten enough, anyway. Years of research. Pioneering. The best.

From the day you start school, they’re moulding you. A letter or a number will determine your opportunities. So don’t miss a day. Try hard. Meet expectations. Meet the expectations we have of your peers – yes, of course you can all achieve the same. You’re the same. You’re robots, by now. The best. We need the best. Expect the best. For Ofsted, for results, for funding: the best.

From the day you step out into the big wide world, they’re moulding you. Ladies, you need to be strong. You’re equal to men, after all. Men, you can be weak. You’re not expected to be strong, after all. Ladies, lose weight. It’s good for your health. No wait, sorry: be body positive. In this issue of XYZ Magazine: body positivity sells the clothes, the cake, the BOGOF pizza deals. Oops, we were wrong. In this issue of XYZ Magazine: a totally irrelevant, well-known human being flaunts their new buttocks. Buy the gym pass. Buy the leggings. Subscribe to the slimming group. Subscribe to the healthy meal plan. Teeth. Hair. Hair removal. Breast removal. Breast additions. You can be happy. Not like that, silly: you’ll be happy if you do this. Buy this. Get that. Stop that. Use this. The best.

Until the day you die, they’re moulding you.

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